


It's Both at the Same Time

by taqarat



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Break Up, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-03 23:25:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12758352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taqarat/pseuds/taqarat
Summary: Adam had known coming back to deal with his father’s death had the potential to open old wounds. He hadn’t anticipated that the the issues it brought up would have more to do with his chosen family than the shitty one he’d been born into. Sure, Gansey and Blue and Henry were still in his life but it wasn’t the same as when they’d all lived in the same town - when they’d faced both literal and figurative demons together. And seeing Ronan. Shit. If someone had asked him only yesterday what it would be like to see his ex he would have shrugged it off as not that big of a deal. He would’ve been wrong.





	1. One

“Dick.”

A relieved gasp came through the line. “Ronan. Finally. I don’t know whether to be flattered you answered or annoyed it took me seven tries.” 

“Be flattered. What’s got your panties in a twist this time?"

“It’s Adam,” Gansey admitted, sounding resigned.

“Pretty sure he stopped being my problem over three years ago.” That was half a lie. There was still an Adam-shaped hole in Ronan’s heart even after all that time. But Gansey was well aware of that fact and would have lead with the emergency if it were serious.

“I realize that. It’s just that his father died a few weeks back and Adam’s traveling to Henrietta to clean out his old house… trailer? Whatever.” Gansey sighed, obviously frustrated at not knowing the politically correct way to label Adam’s childhood shit hole. “Anyway, Jane and I would come and help him but we’ve just arrived in Vancouver to visit Henry for the long weekend. I checked flights and the earliest I could get back is tomorrow morning.” 

“And?" Ronan attempted to sound indifferent but he could already feel the tension mounting in his shoulders.

“And he’s arriving in Henrietta this morning. I’m worried about him going through this alone.”

“What about his mom?” Ronan forced out. He knew he was grasping at straws. Adam’s mother would be the farthest thing from helpful in a situation like this.

“She left, I guess, when his dad started getting sick. Took off with his prescription meds and the car. No one seems to know where she is.”

“Fuck."

“I just talked to Adam and he insists he’s fine but I keep picturing him there alone and… God, Ronan. I don’t like it. You know how he gets.”

“Pretty sure me being there will only make it worse.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Gansey countered. “Listen. I know it is a lot to ask given the history between you two, but would you just stop by and check on him for me? I’d feel better if someone could verify in person that this isn’t triggering some long standing issues for him.” When Ronan didn’t respond he continued on hesitantly. “Ronan, you should know he had a bit of a breakdown about two years ago. He collapsed one night on campus and had to be hospitalized for exhaustion and stress.”

“Jesus. Christ.”

“I’m sorry to burden you with this now - he asked me not to tell you. But, it was serious and I think it is pertinent to the situation at hand.”

Ronan took a deep breath in through his nose and out his mouth, scrubbing at his face at the same time. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll check in with him and let you know.”

“Thank you, Ronan. And let me know if you think I should fly back. I’d do so in a heartbeat if it would help.”

“I know, Gansey.”

Driving from the Barns into Henrietta Ronan couldn’t help but think of the last time he’d seen Adam. It had been the summer after Adam had graduated from Aglionby, a few weeks before he was leaving for Harvard. Ronan had known the break-up was coming. Adam had been pulling away from him for weeks at that point, - ever since Ronan had let slip those three little words in a state of post-coital bliss. ‘I love you, Adam,’ he’d gushed like a pathetic sap as he’d kissed Adam’s perfect collarbone. He’d regretted it immediately, as he’d felt Adam tense and watched his face cloud over. Adam had avoided eye contact with him for the rest of the night, his brain obviously churning away at it for hours and then days. 

The doubt and tension had lead to petty arguments and general avoidance until Ronan hadn’t been able to take it anymore. It was Ronan picking a fight to get it over with already. It was Adam using the excuse of needing time to focus on his studies, on the difficulties of long distance relationships. It was Ronan calling bullshit and fighting back tears. It was nasty accusations that couldn’t be taken back. It was slammed doors and squealing tires and fists pounding on steering wheels over and over and over again. It was balling up in the seat of his car and crying like a fucking baby for hours. It was knowing it was his own fault for not keeping his trap shut.

They hadn’t seen each other since. Gansey and Blue and even Henry had been careful to remain neutral and keep them both as friends. But either Ronan or Adam had bowed out of any group activities in the intervening years. Now Adam had begun his senior year at Harvard and the blazing fire that had been the pain of the breakup was barely a few smoldering embers.

Ronan pulled up in front of the trailer and waited for the dust to settle around the BMW. He was surprised to see it looked exactly the same as when Adam lived there - even though that was a lifetime ago. The same dead and shriveled house plant still sat on the steps. The same broken, plastic chair still tipped precariously on the lumpy grass. Ronan sat in his car a few minutes longer, getting up the nerve to knock on the door. He’d just about convinced himself to abandon the errand with a ‘fuck this, Adam Parrish has never wanted help from me, why would he start now….’ when the front door swung open and Adam stepped out with a garbage bag in each hand. Ronan muttered some obscenities under his breath and finally stepped out of the car.

“Lynch,” Adam drawled, so familiar it was almost anticlimactic.

“Parrish,” Ronan responded, trying desperately to match his nonchalance.

“I was wondering if you were ever going to get out of your car.”

Ronan smirked and looked down at his shuffling feet. Of course Adam had heard him pull up. “Yeah. Well. Gansey was worried but I…. I wasn’t sure you’d want me here.”

Adam shook his head exasperatedly. “I told Gansey this morning I was fine.”

Ronan finally looked him in the eye for a long moment. Adam, predictably, met his gaze unflinchingly. Ronan waited for a response, any sort of encouragement would do. When he didn’t get it he broke his gaze, shaking his head and turned back towards his car. “I’ll let him know,” he muttered resignedly.

“Wait, Ronan,” Adam called out, too late. But Ronan’s disobedient feet stopped of their own accord. His traitor heart thumped loudly in his chest. This reunion was decidedly underwhelming but apparently there were parts of his body that hadn’t received the memo. He stuffed his hands further in his pockets to keep them from betraying him further. “Thanks for coming by. As long as you’re here - could you help me with the couch?”

Ronan shrugged his agreement. As he followed Adam in Ronan realized that while he’d dropped Adam off here numerous times in high school he’d never been inside. It was every bit as dark, cramped and depressing as he’d imagined it. They wrestled the worn couch out the door and around back to the shed where a neighbor was supposedly going to come get it. That’s when Ronan noticed the orange Camaro parked in back.

“Gansey loaned you the Pig?” He didn’t bother to keep the jealousy out of his voice.

“Yeah. I took the train to D.C. and picked it up. Saved me from renting a car and I promised to tune it up for him when I’m done.” He glanced over at Ronan where he stood staring at it longingly. “And no, you can’t take it for a joyride. Gansey would kill me.”

“Oh come on, Parrish! He’d never know.”

Adam laughed and turned back towards the trailer. He shoved Ronan’s shoulder as he passed, forcing him to turn away from the coveted car, too. Ronan was disappointed about the car but happy that the tension seemed to have been broken. 

He followed Adam back inside even though the agreed upon task was done. He found a box on the kitchen counter half filled with dishes. As casually as possible he picked up the task, wrapping a plate in newspaper before stacking it in the box. Adam raised an eyebrow at him and Ronan met it with a shoulder shrug that said, ‘what? I do this sort of thing all the time…don’t be weird about it.’ Luckily Adam was still fluent in Ronan’s body language and turned to tasks of his own.

The next few hours passed easily as they worked in tandem. There were some long, mostly comfortable silences. There was some familiar banter and ribbing. Adam even shared a few stories about his childhood as they sorted and packed. Nothing too deep or serious but Ronan still appreciated the glimpses into Adam’s past, the casual attempt at connection. Mostly they moved furniture outside for the neighbors to take, packed boxes to be taken to the local charity resale shop, and sorted loads of unusable crap into garbage and recycling piles. 

And if Ronan was afforded plenty of opportunities to take in Adam’s familiar form, no one had to know. He noticed that Adam had filled out some in his years away. He looked more rested, less gaunt, less guarded. It had the effect of making him even more beautiful than Ronan remembered. Luckily there was plenty of heavy shit to lift whenever those thoughts started to piss him off.

By late afternoon they were both tired and hungry.

Ronan, seeing Adam’s exhaustion, went out to get sandwiches from the deli in town. He came back to find Adam sitting on his childhood bed with a shoebox on his lap. His shoulders were bent and his head was bowed and he looked more like the broken boy Ronan had first met all those years ago. Ronan knocked on the doorframe to get his attention although he assumed Adam must have heard him return. 

“You okay?”

Adam sniffed but didn’t look up. “Yeah. it’s just this old box I’d forgotten about. I kept it in my closet, hidden under some other stuff. I stashed all my report cards in it, school projects, notes from teachers, stuff like that.”

“You got good grades, Parrish. Why wouldn’t you want to show your parents that shit?”

“It would set my dad off sometimes. He’d accuse me of being a showoff, of thinking I’m special. Not always but it wasn’t worth the risk.”

Ronan took a step closer to look over his shoulder. The photo in Adam’s hand was of a small, frail looking boy - clearly Adam at the age of ten or so. He was standing in front of a school project alone with a familiar expression - wary and determined.

“I won the school science fair,” Adam said softly.

“Of course you did, nerd,” scoffed Ronan.

Adam huffed out a small laugh but continued to gaze at the photo. Ronan guessed there was a story there but wasn’t about to push Adam to tell him. He ached to flop down on the bed next to him and comfort him in the only way he knew how - physically. He wanted to bump his shoulder into Adam’s and let him lean on him a little. He longed to press the sides of their legs together - not in a flirtatious way but to absorb some of his tension, ease some of his sadness. He wanted it as a friend if nothing else, but that wasn’t allowed anymore.

The breath he was unknowingly holding escaped slowly through his pursed lips. Somehow that caught Adam’s attention and he looked up for the first time since Ronan had returned.

“I got sandwiches,” Ronan offered quietly and backed out into the kitchen before he did something he might regret.

Adam came out to join him a short time later and they both stood at the counter and inhaled the food in silence. As they finished up Ronan gathered up the greasy wrappings and paper napkins and added them to one of the garbage sacks. Adam placed both hands on the counter and leaned heavily on them. He looked defeated.

“What next?” Ronan asked. “I can attack the other bedroom if you want to finish up in here?”

Adam just shook his head where it hung between his upper arms. “Fuck it. Let’s just get out of here. I thought… I thought this would be good for me. Get some closure or whatever but….” he lifted his head and looked out the dirty window. “I’m sorry I bothered. There’s nothing left for me here.”

Ronan tried to ignore the sting of the words. He knew Adam meant his family and the trailer park but he couldn’t help but feel like it bled over to all of Henrietta and therefore Ronan, too.

“So, what, we torch the place? I think I’ve got some gasoline in the back of the BMW.”

Adam smiled and Ronan counted it as a tiny victory. “No, I’ll just go tell Becky next door that she can come take whatever else she wants and then I’ll tell the landlord that I’ll cough up the cleaning fee. It’ll be more than worth it.”

Ronan refrained from making a snide remark about ‘cleaning’ a shit hole or to offer money to pay for it, although it physically pained him. “Where are you staying?" He asked instead. Monmouth was gone. St. Agnes was gone. He doubted Adam would fork over the money for one of the local crappy motels.

“I thought I could stay here but god… no way. I think I’ll just try to drive back to DC tonight and catch the late train north.”

“Don’t be fucking stupid, Parrish. You’re exhausted. You drive that far in your state you’ll wreck the Pig for sure. I won’t have that on my conscience.” He started walking toward the door as if the next part didn’t matter to him at all. “Come stay at the Barns,” he threw over his shoulder. “We’ve got plenty of empty bedrooms, even with Matthew back, and Opal will want to see you." He opened the door and scrambled down the front steps so that he could casually lean against his car while he waited for Adam’s answer. He needed the familiar support.

The late autumn sun was close to setting already. Adam followed him out and squinted into the low light for a seemingly endless moment. “Yeah. Okay. Thanks,” he finally said to his feet, then gave a tentative, squinty smile to him.

Ronan rubbed his chin thoroughly to hide the stupid grin that was threatening to take over his face. When Adam continued looking at him expectantly Ronan huffed. "So? Becky?”

"Right. I’ll be right back.” Adam jogged off to the next trailer down the drive. On a whim, Ronan went back in and grabbed the box of report cards as well as a large box of other papers they’d sorted for recycling. He hefted them into the trunk of his car before Adam returned.

He waited as Adam ducked back inside his childhood home to grab the few things he did want to take with him. Sadly, It could all be carried in one arm. Ronan was struck once again at how different their childhoods were. If Ronan were leaving the Barns for the last time he’d…. well he couldn’t bear to even imagine it.

“I’ll follow you,” Ronan said as they prepared to leave. “I don’t trust the Pig to not fucking kick the bucket. You remember the way?”

Adam rolled his eyes dramatically. “Yeah I remember, asshole.” Ronan turned towards his car and let the smile take over in the shadowed privacy. In truth, it wasn’t the Pig he didn’t trust. He was afraid Adam would change his mind somewhere on the way.

He knew he was playing with fire. He knew inviting Adam back into his life, even for a day, had the potential to spark a wildfire that would be near impossible to put out. But he pushed those thoughts away. It felt good to fall into the old patterns that he and Adam had established before things got complicated. And surely neither of them were interested in reigniting the romantic parts. Obviously. And even if that became tempting, Ronan was in a good place. He was happy, and stable. He had built himself a life without Adam that he was pretty fucking proud of. A small part of him wanted to show that off to Adam. The other part of him was just a little bit lonely. 

But that wasn’t what this was about. Adam needed a place to stay. He needed an old friend that knew his past, who he could process some shit with. Someone he didn’t have to explain things to. They were both mature enough to see his invitation for what it was. And if Adam left at the end with a tiny bit of regret at what he’d left behind - so be it.


	2. Two

The vise on Adam’s chest finally relinquished its hold as he travelled the last sweeping turns to the Barns. His therapist had suggested coming, but he’d known as soon as he set foot in the old trailer that it was a mistake. He’d felt as if he was suffocating - the old feelings of wariness and shame had settled on his chest with his first inhale in the musty living room. Even the way he carried himself changed as he walked into his childhood home and he had to consciously uncurl his shoulders and lift his chin to chase the feeling away. He’d plowed into the tasks at hand immediately, his ingrained work ethic serving him well.

But the compression on his lungs hadn’t actually started to loosen until Ronan had shown up. Ronan had taken his mind off of the damaged, meek child he’d been in that house and reminded him that he’d been able to walk away from it. And more than that. Here was someone who’d known this shameful side of him, a side he’d since so adamantly tried to bury. And Ronan had loved him, for a time, despite it. That love helped transform him all those years ago and his appearance today had reinforced it.

And Ronan looked good. God, he was always so beautiful and the years had treated him well. Working outside had given his pale skin a healthy glow and a new confidence hung on his broad shoulders. Ronan as a teenager had feigned an assertiveness meant to push people away. But Adam knew the real Ronan had been as scared and self-conscious as anyone their age. Which made the newly apparent self-assuredness that much more surprising. This new Ronan was comfortable in his own skin. While he was still an asshole, it was less of an intimidation tactic and more of an honest representation of his impatience with the world.

Adam knew he was playing with fire. Accepting Ronan’s invitation to stay at the Barns, even for a day, had the potential to spark a wildfire that would be near impossible to put out. But he pushed those thoughts away. It felt good to fall into the old patterns that he and Ronan had established before things got complicated. And surely neither of them were interested in reigniting the romantic parts. Obviously. And even if that became tempting, Adam still lived over 600 miles away. He still needed to finish his undergrad and then he had 3 years of law school after that. A huge part of him was still completely focused on the track to success he’d laid out for himself. The other part of him was just a little bit lonely.

Adam parked the Pig in the driveway in front of the farmhouse. Ronan lurched in behind him seconds later, spraying gravel against the tires of the Camaro and Adam’s shoes.

“Jesus Christ! Does everyone in Cambridge drive like a fucking 90 year old? There is no other excuse for that shit-show. You’re driving a muscle car, Parrish. Pay it some respect.”

“I’m driving it how Gansey would want me to drive it. I don’t own that car, in case you forgot.”

“Oh, I didn’t forget. Someday I’ll dream you a classic Rolls Royce. Then you can drive it like an old man unapologetically.”

Adam couldn’t keep the smile from his face. “Thanks, Lynch. Your generosity is, as always, heartwarming.”

“You’re welcome, asshole. Do you want to see Opal or what?” He started walking around the house and Adam followed silently, grinning at his shoes.

They passed the house and wandered into one of the open green fields that rose beyond, one stacked upon the next. The sight made Adam’s heart swell. Ronan put a pinky in each corner of his mouth and let out a deafening whistle. Adam covered his good ear and looked at the horizon where Ronan was concentrating his focus. Eventually he made out two figures cresting the hill and bounding towards them.

“What is that with her…is it a wolf?”

“Irish wolfhound. I dreamed him up for her, to keep her company. Kinda backfired as now we hardly see her.” Ronan whistled again.

"Hardly see her?” Adam asked. “Doesn’t she live here?”

"Not in the house anymore. You know how much she always hated to be inside. Over the years she’s grown more and more wild - or reverted to it I guess. I dreamed the dog to protect her when she was out in the forest and the fields. I didn’t realize it would replace us all.”

It seemed almost neglectful. But Adam reminded himself that while she looked like a child, she was at least as old as Ronan. She’d always been perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

Soon enough Opal and the wolfhound were approaching them. The dog was as tall as she was at the shoulder. It looked regal and intelligent, and nothing like the scrappy mutts Adam was used to seeing around his part of Henrietta. The orphan girl looked exactly the same as when he’d left. She still didn’t age. She sidled up beside Ronan and slid her hand in his. She looked at Adam with a very Ronan-like expression bordering on malice or disdain.

“Look who’s here, brat. Say hi.” Ronan encouraged, tugging at her hand.

“Are you here to stay?” she asked sullenly.

Adam immediately felt guilty. ”No. No I’m just here for a visit. I’m happy to see you though.”

“I’ll be happy when you come back for good.” She turned away from them, saying something in her strange language to the dog before running off into the orchard.

Ronan shrugged. “Sorry about that. I guess I’m failing on the etiquette lessons.”

“Shocking,” Adam replied to hide the sting of the reception.

Fortunately Matthew was far less frosty. He greeted Adam with his usual exuberant hug and led them inside for a mostly edible spaghetti dinner he’d made. They sat around the table in the soft light of the kitchen. Matthew asked Adam endless questions about Harvard and told his own story of how he ended up back at the Barns instead of college. The conversation was easy, the banter friendly. It felt more like coming home than a trip to the trailer ever had or would.

After dinner Matthew excused himself to go see his girlfriend, leaving Adam and Ronan to do the dishes in a comfortable silence. The act of standing at the counter with Ronan, drying each dish he was handed was pleasantly familiar. He hadn’t felt that much at peace in years, his body falling into the routine, his thoughts drifting to old memories. He was very nearly lulled into a tragic misstep. As Ronan turned off the water and rotated towards him, Adam very nearly leaned in for a kiss. It wasn’t premeditated or passion induced. It was the sweet and simple peck that had been commonplace when they were together.

Luckily Adam caught himself early enough to play it off. He hoped. He backed away quickly, covering his blush by averting his head and mumbling something about calling Gansey. He had to pause in the darkness of the hall to catch his breath and slow his heart. He hadn’t meant for that to happen. There was no way he would intentionally toy with those old emotions. He knew neither of them would survive a casual thing and anything more was still impossible.

Once he’d calmed his breathing down he dialed Gansey’s number. He knew Ronan had texted him a few hours back but he also knew his oldest friend would still worry until they’d talked. Gansey picked up on the first ring.

“Adam!” he began. Adam could picture the false smile, the forced enthusiasm.

“Hey Gansey,” Adam responded tiredly.

He heard Gansey murmur some excuses to whomever he was in the room with and then the background noise died out. “Adam,” he repeated but this time in his genuine voice. It was soft, and caring and it was the kind of tone that would have angered the high school Adam Parrish. He would have thought then that it was filled with pity or condescension. Now he just knew it was full of love and suddenly the heaviness of the day caught up with him. Something about Gansey’s soothing voice made him want to crawl through the phone line and fall into the arms of his earnest and selfless friend.

Adam had known coming back to deal with his father’s death had the potential to open old wounds. He hadn’t anticipated that the the issues it brought up would have more to do with his chosen family than the shitty one he’d been born into. Sure, Gansey and Blue and Henry were still in his life but it wasn’t the same as when they’d all lived in the same town - when they’d faced both literal and figurative demons together. And seeing Ronan. Shit. If someone had asked him only yesterday what it would be like to see his ex he would have shrugged it off as not that big of a deal. He would’ve been wrong.

“Gansey,” he answered and mostly hid the shakiness of his voice.

“We’ve been thinking of you all day. How are you doing?”

Adam pressed his head against the wall. “I’m okay. Ronan’s been a great help, actually.”

“I’m glad. Is there anything I can do from here?”

“No. Loaning me the Pig was huge though. Thanks again for that.”

“Anytime. Jane wants to say hi. Hold on.”

“Hey Adam,” Blue’s clear voice made his heart hurt even more. How had he let himself get so far away from them?

“Hey Blue. How’s Vancouver?”

“It’s Vancouver,” she dismissed. “How are you? How’re you dealing with all the family stuff.”

“It’s fine. I thought coming here would, I don’t know, clarify things? And I guess it did although it was sort of anticlimactic. There was less there than I’d thought.” He didn’t have to explain that he wasn’t talking about actual, physical stuff.

“And…um…Ronan?”

He sighed and tried to collect his ping-ponging thoughts. “There’s more there than I thought,” he murmured resignedly. “I’m actually staying at the Barns tonight.”

“Adam!” She sounded like an admonishing teacher. “Jesus, the Barns? With Ronan? Do you think that’s a good idea? There’s a LOT there. This seems like….”

“I know, Blue. It’s not like that. I just need a place to crash.”

The phone rustled and then Gansey’s voice came back through. “Adam. Please be careful. You don’t know what he was like after last time. I can’t stress enough how…”

“I know, Gansey,” he reassured and tried to push away the resentment that they still didn’t trust him when it came to Ronan’s heart. Then again, after the incident in the kitchen, maybe he shouldn’t be trusted.

“Okay,” sighed Gansey.

They said their goodbyes and ended the call. Adam went back to the kitchen but found it empty. He ended up finding Ronan on the porch, leaning up against the same pillar where they’d shared their second kiss. Adam suspected it wasn’t a coincidence but didn’t pursue what that might mean. The pull to relive that moment, that whole night, was almost impossible to resist, but he knew the stakes, even without Gansey and Blue reminding him.

“I’m beat,” he offered from the doorway. “I think I’ll hit the sack.”

Ronan turned and looked a little surprised. “Sure. Okay. You can stay in my old room if you want. I think some of your shit is still in there.”

Adam raised his eyebrows.

“I moved into my folks room after… a while ago. Declan’s room is open too if you’d rather.”

Adam nodded and made the familiar trek up the creaky stairs. As he approached Ronan’s old bedroom the wave of memories nearly took him out at the knees. He paused at the threshold, knuckles white on the doorframe and closed his eyes.

There were countless memories of the two of them spending the night together in that bed. But the one that stuck with Adam most was the first. He could remember it like it was yesterday.

It was soon after the traumatic day Gansey had died and been remade by Cabeswater. They’d all spent three days together sleeping and healing at Monmouth. Trying to process the trauma. Trying to assure themselves that Gansey was really back for good. But eventually real life had called. While the rest of the group went back to school, Ronan had gone to DC for a few days to be with his brothers. Adam had thrown himself back into his work and his studies, trying desperately to make up for lost time.

Before he realized it, he’d gone more than a week without seeing Ronan. He knew Ronan was back at the Barns. He knew he wasn’t coming back to Aglionby. Ronan mostly answered his phone when he called but he was still terrible at actually saying anything of substance on it. Monosyllabic answers to his questions and ‘when am I gonna see you, Parrish?’ was all he could get out of him.

Adam finally found a full 36 hours in a row where he didn’t have work or school and drove out to the Barns one Friday evening with a Nino’s pizza on the seat next to him. The sun was setting but there weren’t any lights on in the house as he approached in the Hondoyota.

Adam made his way inside. The kitchen was a mess and the back door hung open despite the chill. He found Opal in the back garden. She ran up and hugged him, explaining Ronan was upstairs and wouldn’t come down. Adam tried to coax her back inside but she just shook her head, told him to fix Ronan, and ran off into the field with Chainsaw flying above.

He found Ronan in his rumpled bed with three days of stubble on his cheeks. Ronan turned to meet his gaze as Adam approached but didn’t get up, didn’t speak. He looked hollow and broken and Adam felt terrible for leaving him alone for so long. He’d just lost his mother, he’d lost Cabeswater. They’d all suffered trauma but Ronan’s was the worst. Adam laid down next to him and tried not to wrinkle his nose at the unwashed odor of him. He placed his head on Ronan’s shoulder and draped an arm across his chest. When he tilted his head and kissed the side of his neck, he felt Ronan’s heartbeat speed up under his ear, the first tangible reaction since he’d arrived. He was otherwise lost in a bubble of his own pain. Numb and detached. He’d removed himself to a place where the hurt couldn’t touch him.

Adam sat up and tugged at Ronan’s hands. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up,” he murmured. Ronan allowed himself to be pulled up to standing and silently shuffled to the bathroom as Adam steered him from behind. Adam turned on the shower, helped Ronan get undressed and pushed the vacant man under the water. He left him then to go change the sheets on the bed and gather some clean sweatpants for both of them, grateful for having something productive to do.

Adam hesitated only briefly before deciding to shower with him. While it would be a first for them, practicality trumped poignancy. Besides, romance was the furthest thing from his mind at the moment. He climbed in and lathered them both up with the rich, piney soap. Ronan kept his eyes closed and maintained his silence, his only movement to shuffle closer and rest his head on Adam’s shoulder as they rinsed off. He seemed so weary and Adam didn’t know how to talk to him, how to fix him.

Ronan crawled back in bed as soon as they were dry and dressed. He lay on his back with an arm thrown over his eyes. Adam felt so helpless and lost. “I brought pizza,” he offered gently. “Have you eaten, at all?” Ronan didn’t answer. “Have you slept?”

Ronan uncovered his face and held a hand out towards Adam, which he took. “Adam," he croaked and then pulled him into bed.

Adam kissed the tip of his shoulder and felt Ronan take a deep breath. He kissed it again, and was rewarded with another long exhale. Encouraged, Adam grazed his lips to his collar bone and kissed him again. Ronan’s body sunk slightly further into the bed. “Come back to me, Ro,” he murmured and kissed his clavicle again, firm and dry. It wasn’t sexually charged, just grounding; an attempt to lull Ronan out of his self imposed numbness and back into reality.

Adam was far from fluent in the language of tenderness, but methodical he could do. Precision, rigor and painstaking thoroughness were his comfort zone. He continued to kiss across Ronan’s torso slowly and deliberately. Inch by inch, row after row, measured, careful, silent. When he reached the bottom of his ribcage, he turned Ronan over and applied the same meticulous attention to his back.

By the time he got to the center of his tattoo, Ronan was trembling. The trembling soon grew into loud, shaky gasps that then morphed into out-and-out crying. Adam stopped kissing him. He plastered himself against Ronan’s back and wrapped an arm around his chest, trying to absorb some of his grief. Ronan held Adam’s hand to his chest in a vise like grip as sobs wracked his body.

Ronan cried for a long time, his face half buried in the pillows, Adam curled around his back. Eventually the weeping slowed and his breathing grew more measured. Adam continued to hold him until he could feel Ronan drift off to sleep and he soon followed.

Adam woke nearly ten hours later in the gray light of predawn. Ronan was awake and gazing at him softly and when their eyes met he smiled. Adam was flooded with relief. He wasn’t naive enough to believe a few kisses and a good cry were enough to heal Ronan’s pain. But he was there. His gaze was no longer vacant, his eyes were no longer hollow.

“You okay?” Adam asked softly.

Ronan nodded. “I…you…” he attempted but then gave up on words altogether and kissed his shoulder instead. Adam pulled him into a long, slow kiss and they both let that say everything that needed to be said.

They’d spent the next 24 hours in that bed together. They’d survived on cold pizza straight from the box and warm soda straight from the bottle. It was Ronan mapping every inch of Adam’s neck with soft kisses. It was Adam murmuring sweet words and then soft moans into Ronan’s shoulder. It was tender and it was fervent and it was awkward at times. It was both of them losing their clothes in the tangled sheets. It was both of them losing themselves in their tangled limbs. It was too much and not enough and it was 1000 times more than anything Adam had felt since.

Adam pulled himself back into the present, still gripping the doorframe. He was overwhelmed with how much he’d forced himself to forget in the years since he left. He retreated to Declan’s room with tears in his eyes.


	3. Three

Matthew slipped into the farmhouse guiltily the next morning. He’d spent the night at the neighboring farm with his girlfriend and, while that wasn’t technically against any rule (Matthew was legally an adult after all) he still felt crummy about it. Ronan wouldn’t call him out on it, he knew. He was pretty good about giving Matthew his privacy and wasn’t much for talking about… well anything really. But his brother was lonely and Matthew felt bad flaunting how happy he was with Gabby. How he wanted to spend every minute of his day either with her or thinking about her. Ronan should understand that. He’d been that way about Adam at one time. Which brought him back to his remorse about the night before. Adam was in their house. Adam who could single handedly bring his secretly fragile brother to his knees.

Ronan was chopping potatoes in the kitchen when Matthew came in even though it was barely past dawn on a Saturday. He took his spot next to him at the counter and started peeling carrots. They worked in a natural rhythm together until Adam made an awkward appearance.

“Morning, Parrish,” Ronan tossed over his shoulder. Matthew wasn’t sure what to make of Adam’s presence in their home. He liked Adam. A lot actually. He’d never seen his brother happier than when the two of them had been together. But then it had all fallen apart. Matthew had lived in DC at the time but knew his brother well enough to know that the breakup had wrecked him. It very nearly ruined him to be honest.

“What’re you making?” Adam asked as he poured himself some coffee and took a seat at the kitchen table.

“Irish stew,” Matthew responded. “We have a work crew coming today to help with some harvesting. It’s sort of our tradition to eat supper together when we’re done. That reminds me, Ronan. Gabby says Oscar’s back is still messed up so he won’t be coming.”

“Shit. And Alex is out too, right? I hope we can get it all in today. It’s supposed to frost this week.”

“I can stay and help,” Adam offered out of the blue.

“That’s okay, Parrish. Wouldn’t want to ruin that big city manicure.” Ronan responded sarcastically.

“Fuck you.” Adam responded without malice. Everyone in the room knew that Adam had done more than his share of manual labor in his short life. ”Besides, I owe you after all you did for me yesterday. I don’t need to get back until tomorrow. Let me pitch in.”

“Whatever floats your boat,” Ronan growled but Matthew could tell that he was happy.

They worked all day together in the fields. It was the kind of day that Matthew loved being a farmer. The work was tiring and made his muscles sore but the camaraderie of laboring together under a cool and cloudless sky more than made up for it. The teasing, the jokes, the stories. The satisfaction of a job well done and done together.

They finished up as the sun was setting and Matthew helped Gabby’s uncle Eli make a fire in the outdoor fire pit to keep them warm as they enjoyed their supper. Gabby’s family had worked the farm down the road for generations and had helped out at the Barns since way before Matthew had been born. They were, along with Ronan’s few friends, the only people who knew about Niall and Ronan’s abilities.

By the time it was fully dark, the crew had finished their bowls of warm stew and bottles of cold beer and made their way home. Ronan, Matthew and Adam remained to stare into the flames and nurse their own drinks. Adam had asked to borrow a hat as the evening grew colder and Matthew had brought him one of Niall’s tweed caps. He thought it made Adam look handsome but it made Ronan scowl and avoid looking anywhere in his direction.

Matthew was afraid they’d lost Ronan to one of his moods when he stalked off without an explanation late in the evening. But he reappeared with a stack of boxes a short time later and set them next to Adam.

“What’s this?,” Adam asked as he reached into the larger box. It looked to be full of newspapers and magazines and the crossword puzzle books you could buy at the grocery store check stand.

“Fuel,” Ronan replied cryptically.

Adam reached for the smaller one, a tattered shoe box. “Is this… from yesterday…?”

“Figured you could use a cathartic purge.” When both Adam and Matthew raised eyebrows at this he shrugged. “Burning shit always makes me feel better.” With that he grabbed a flimsy magazine off the top of the pile, ripped it into thirds and tossed the crumpled pieces into the fire. Adam grinned and did the same to a clump of newspapers. Matthew enthusiastically joined in adding to the growing flames.

It took them over an hour to get through the larger box. It was egging each other on to get the flames as high as they could. It was rosy cheeks and stupid grins and feeling drunk on the power to destroy things. It was maybe telling one too many embarrassing stories about Ronan as a kid. It was Ronan putting him in a headlock and them wrestling in the cold dirt like ten year olds. It was catching glimpses of a Ronan he forgot existed and seeing a version of Adam that didn’t know pain and stress.

As the night went on the mood changed. It was Ronan pulling out a container of dream lighter fluid. It was smoke in unnatural colors and figures that formed and danced in the flames and sparks above. It was settling back onto the chairs and watching in a silence that was both sad and happy at the same time. It was long glances between Adam and Ronan that Matthew wasn’t sure should be encouraged.

He could see they were playing with fire - and not just in the literal sense. Adam and Ronan back together, even for a day, had the potential to spark a wildfire that would be near impossible to put out. But he pushed those thoughts away. It felt good to see them fall into their old ways, before things got complicated. And surely neither of them would dare to reignite the romantic parts. They had to know how dangerous that was, even if it was obvious that they were both desperately lonely.

Despite his worries, Matthew turned in first, leaving Adam and Ronan silently staring into the embers. He wasn’t sure how long the other boys stayed up, but he was awoken hours later by the glow of the bonfire through his curtains.

Sunday morning started like any other. Ronan and Matthew arose early to go to church. They were back to attending St. Agnes now that two out of the three Lynch brothers were back in Singer Falls. They’d changed it up for a few years when he’d lived with Declan in DC. At that time, Ronan would make the drive to join them at an ‘open and affirming’ church Declan had found. It turned out to have a large gay component to the congregation and Ronan had surprised both his brothers by dating not one but two different men he’d met there. Neither relationship had lasted long.

Declan couldn’t make it to Henrietta that week, and Adam wasn’t awake when they left, so it was just Ronan and Matthew in the pews. On the drive home, Matthew worked up the nerve to talk to his brother. “So you and Adam….?”

Ronan merely glanced at him sideways with one raised eyebrow. He was always so evasive about talking. And Matthew was fine with that, until he wasn’t. Declan wasn’t here and somehow Matthew was the only person with a logical head who knew what was potentially going down. He did not enjoy this position.

“Come on, Ro. There was some heavy stuff going on last night at the bonfire. Are you two getting back together? What’s going on?”

The car’s speed increased dramatically for a brief moment. Then Ronan took a long breath and slowed down. “Don’t worry, Matthew. We just burned some shit and talked. He’s leaving today and that’s….it. Nothing has changed.”

“You just seem….”

“Nothing has changed,” and with that he cranked up his music to an almost deafening level and Matthew took the hint.

When they got home, Adam was in the driveway working on Gansey’s Camaro. He straightened from under the hood as the brothers climbed out of the BMW. Matthew could’ve sworn that Adam’s face had flushed as his eyes roamed over Ronan in his suit. Ronan smirked and went inside to change while Matthew settled on the porch steps to watch Adam work.

“So Gabby, huh?” Adam asked in a teasing tone.

Matthew grimaced. “Don’t. Please. Declan and Ronan are constantly teasing me about her. They make it seem like a silly crush but … it’s not.”

Adam looked chastened. “Sorry. Tell me about her.”

Matthew smiled, happy to talk about his favorite subject. “She’s … amazing,” he gushed. “She’s the kindest person I ever met and she’s as good with the animals as Ronan. She has this smile that takes over her whole face and makes her eyes go all crinkly.” He paused to think about how else to describe her. “She kind of sucks at school, like me, but she’s smart in a different way. Like, you know when you’re upset about something, and you don’t even really realize it, but it makes you kind of grumpy about other stuff? Gabby somehow always knows what it is and calls me on it. She helps me talk stuff through and…. she’s really soft.” He broke off with a blush.

“She sounds just about perfect,” Adam said kindly.

“Yeah. She is. I think I’m in love with her. I know I am,” he admitted.

"Have you told her?”

“No. Ronan says I shouldn’t,” Matthew replied sheepishly.

“Why is that?” Adam asked, still bent over the car.

“He said it would freak her out, like what happened with you.…. he said telling you was what made you break up with him.”

Adam slowly straightened up and turned toward Matthew. He leaned against the car and wiped his hands on a rag for several long moments. Finally he spoke. “Ronan saying those words to me didn’t cause that relationship to end. None of that was his fault. He was generous and honest and better to me than I deserved.”

“You just didn’t love him back,” Matthew mumbled resignedly.

“That’s not true. At all. I…” He paused and seemed to be searching for words. He looked sad and a bit lost. “I was just scared.”

“Why didn’t you tell him? That you loved him? That you were scared?”

“I wish I had. It seemed more complicated at the time. Listen, I don’t know when is the right time to tell her. I’m pretty sure Ronan and I are the last people you should be taking relationship advice from. Or Declan. Don’t ask Declan. But I think Gabby deserves to know the truth and she sounds much wiser than I was. Hopefully she’ll be better at realizing how lucky she is.”

“Thanks, Adam.” Matthew sat and thought about that for a while and Adam went back to work. “For what’s its worth, It’s been really nice having you here…. I think it was good for him,” he added motioning towards the house with his head. “He was pretty messed up there for a while. He….” Ronan came out of the open door at that point, interrupting what Matthew was about to say.

****

Adam finished the tune up on the Pig and closed the hood. Matthew had gone inside and Ronan had taken his place on the steps. “Thanks for talking to Matthew about Gabby. For taking him seriously. I treat him too much like a kid sometimes,” Ronan said softly.

“You heard that?”

Ronan met his gaze and held it. “Yeah.”

“All of it?” Adam asked tentatively.

Ronan answered by raising his chin a fraction of an inch.

Shit shit shit, Adam thought. They’d never talked about the real reasons they broke up. Adam had insisted at the time that it was because he needed to concentrate on school. That a long distance relationship would get in the way of his academics. He gave Ronan reasons he knew he couldn’t argue with him about. Adam knew deep down at the time that if he’d admitted his true feelings and his fears Ronan would have talked him into staying together. He’d lied for Ronan’s own good.

Adam wasn’t sure rehashing that now would do either of them any good. He sat down next to Ronan and continued to wipe his hands on the rag although it was clear that they were as clean as they were going to get. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked solemnly.

Ronan rubbed at the back of his head but the sound of a vehicle in the drive interrupted them before he could answer.

An ancient volvo wagon puttered into view and Ronan stood to meet it. He offered a hand as the driver door swung open and helped an older woman in a flannel shirt emerge. She was on the shorter side but as broad across the shoulders as Ronan. Her face was weathered and wrinkled but her eyes twinkled with mischief. “Hi there, Ronan, my boy,” she greeted as she opened the trunk. I put up the last of the peaches this week and brought you some. I know how Matthew loves them. There’s also some pound cake in there,” she said as she wrestled a wooden crate full of mason jars into Ronan’s arms.

“Always trying to fatten us up aren’t you Frankie. I’ve got a box out back for you. Hold on. This is my friend Adam Parrish,” he added as he passed him on the steps. “That’s Frankie - she lives down the road.”

Adam started to stand up but Frankie just flapped a hand at him. “Don’t stand on my account.” She lowered herself next to him with a groan. “Parrish, hmm? You Robert’s kid?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he responded politely.

“I heard he passed not long ago. My condolences.”

“Thanks," Adam grimaced.

“Always was a mean motherfucker, if you don’t mind me saying.”

Adam chuffed a small laugh. “No ma’am. I don’t mind. It’s the truth.”

“Do you live in Henrietta still?”

“No, I’m in college now. In Boston."

“Ah. You’re the Harvard friend. Good for you for getting out. I bet Robert hated that,” Frankie chuckled. They shared a comfortable silence for a few moments. "You here to break Ronan’s heart again?”

Adam was taken aback, not just by her candor but the fact that Ronan had confided these things to her. “No ma’am,” he stuttered. “Just a quick visit. As friends. I wouldn’t…. I know…”

Frankie just nodded and stood up - using Adam’s knee to brace herself. “Good. We'd have some serious words if you did.”

Ronan returned with a huge crate overflowing with produce from the farm and placed it in the back of the car.

“See you for Tuesday poker?” Frankie asked Ronan as she closed the trunk.

“Only if you promise not to cheat.”

“You say that every week,” she replied as she climbed back into the car.

“And every fucking week you cheat.” Ronan replied humorously, closing the door for her.

She cackled happily as she drove away.

Adam waited until Ronan came back to his spot on the steps. “For someone who appears so tough and imposing, you sure have some unlikely enforcers on your side.”

“What do you mean?” Ronan asked.

“Both Blue and Frankie threatened me if I messed with your heart again.”

Ronan looked both pleased and embarrassed at this news. “Did they now?”

“Pretty sure the daggers Opal was shooting from her eyes were meant to convey the same thing. That’s quite a posse of fierce women you have. I best be getting back to the relative safety of the city.” He stood.

“You’re leaving?” It was more statement than question.

Adam grabbed his bag off the porch and put it in the car. He turned to face Ronan, his hands stuffed deep in his pockets. He hated goodbyes. There was too much to say. There was no way to say it. Ronan just looked at him expectantly his elbows on his knees.

“Back at the trailer park…. I said that I regretted coming back.” Adam paused and let his eyes drift over the various barns and the rolling hills beyond and then back to Ronan’s intense gaze. “I don’t anymore. I’m glad I got to see Opal and Matthew… and you. To be back here even if it was only for a weekend - was….” he paused again to search for the words. Restorative? Enlightening? Transformative? He couldn’t say any of those to Ronan. He’d only scoff. “Anyway. Thanks.”

Ronan just lifted a shoulder and dipped his head.

Adam nodded and turned resignedly to the car.

“Adam, wait.” Ronan stood and pushed his hands into his back pockets, his shoulders up by his ears. “You’re welcome… to come back whenever. I’m glad I got to see you too.”

If Gansey or Blue were here, they’d all exchange hugs. It might even be acceptable if just Matthew came back out. But it being only the two of them made the pregnancy of the moment awkward. So Adam just thanked him again, got in the car and drove away, trying not to feel homesick already.


	4. Four

“Dick.”

“Ronan! I’m flattered. Only three tries this time.” Gansey sounded elated.

“I was feeling philanthropic.” Ronan deadpanned.

“Fantastic. What time can we expect you tonight?” Gansey’s family was throwing a graduation party for him and his friends that evening. The friends that had attended college that is.

“I’m already in DC. I’ll be on time.” Ronan assured him.

Gansey paused and it was a notable one. “I should probably mention that Adam will be here. That won’t be a problem will it?”

“No. No problem. I figured.” Actually he knew. He and Adam had started texting, very erratically, in the seven months since he’d visited the Barns. The correspondence was 99% snark and sometimes they went weeks between replies but it was something. Something pretty nice Ronan could admit only to himself.

So when Adam had texted to ask if he was going to the Gansey shindig it seemed almost like an invitation. Not a date or anything, but an acknowledgment that they might be able to finally attend the same events again. That the group could become whole again. Ronan was actually excited about the party which was shocking given that he would have to wear a suit and make small talk with republicans.

Ronan shared a beer with Declan on the patio of his townhouse before he got changed for the party. The typical brotherly banter was full of insults and sarcasm but it lacked the venom of old. They’d done a lot of healing in the past few years. It had started after the breakup with Adam. Declan and Matthew had shown up at the Barns a few days later, unannounced. Ronan was in bad shape and he met the intrusion with frank and colorful vitriol. He didn’t want a babysitter nor did he need the reminder that any self destructive behavior would have drastic repercussions. The brothers had stayed anyway. 

Matthew disappeared one morning after a particularly vicious tirade between the older Lynch brothers. They’d found him an hour later in the attic, going through old photo albums and records and they got sucked into doing the same. Ronan, looking at a picture of the three of them on the Brooklyn Bridge during a family vacation, shared a memory that made Matthew laugh out loud and Declan smile ruefully. Then Declan shared one of his own. They’d spent hours together in that dusty attic going through old boxes of half dream, half real toys and other items from their shared history. The next day the three brothers tackled cleaning out of one of the smaller sheds. The next they repaired a fence together. The brothers had ended up staying two weeks working on their childhood home together, until Matthew needed to get back to school. It was easier to find a middle ground after that.

“So the gang’s getting back together?” Declan asked, watching Ronan carefully for a reaction.

“Mmhmm,” Ronan grunted, giving nothing away.

“Adam too?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“I think I can keep my hands out of his pants for one night.” He so enjoyed shocking his brother.

“I was worried more about your heart than his cock.” 

Ronan had to concede that Declan was pretty good at it too. “I’ll keep it guarded.”

Declan stood. “See that you do.” He flicked Ronan’s ear and went inside.

Ronan ended up being a little late to the party after all. He’d never admit it but his brother’s concern left him a little rattled. Until their talk he’d convinced himself that seeing Adam again was no big deal. But Declan and Gansey were both wary and now that he was the ripe old age of 22 he’d learned to trust their warnings. 

He tossed his keys to the valet, tugged at his tie and took a long steadying breath before he approached the front door of the Gansey estate. The sea of suits and dyed hair that greeted him in the foyer nearly caused him to turn around. Luckily, Blue saw him come in. Her enthusiastic greeting made his heart surge, both for making him feel like his presence was wanted and for blatantly shocking every stiff in the vicinity with her squealing.

“Maggot,” he growled into her confusing hair-do as she attempted to squeeze the breath from his lungs, and possibly dislocate a few ribs.

She smiled up at him unapologetically. “Thank god you’re finally here. I was about to lose my mind. Did you know the douchebag that killed that women’s health initiative is here? I…”

Ronan interrupted with what was probably an overly sappy smile. Blue stopped her tirade and looked at him again before she ran her hand over his scalp, even though she had to stand on her tiptoes to do it. “It’s good to see you, shithead.” She said fondly.

“You too, runt.”

She slipped her hand into his and dragged him toward the bar. “Let’s get sloshed,” she suggested. It seemed she was already halfway there but Ronan acquiesced. He didn’t drink that much anymore but he guessed with her head start, and his size advantage, he could keep up with her drink for drink and not even get buzzed. 

“Where’s Gansey?” He asked once they both had a drink in hand. 

“I don’t know. Probably persuading some blue hair to discuss clean energy or white privilege or gender pronouns,” she answered, pretending to be annoyed but the fondness in her voice gave her away.

“Jesus, maggot. You’ve got it bad, don’t you?”

She let her head crash into his shoulder. “The worst. Oh my god. What have I become? Did you see these shoes? I’m wearing heels for christ sake.” She gestured down at the ugliest, clunkiest shoes he’d ever seen. He had no idea how to respond. Luckily he was distracted by the appearance of Adam across the room.

He watched as Adam paused to shake hands and exchange pleasantries with a few people as he made his way over to them. He managed to look humble even though he was a thousand times better than anyone else in the room. Ronan was genuinely happy for him. This is where Adam had wanted to get to, ever since he’d met him. Harvard graduate. Law school bound. Not a trace of the Henrietta dirt or the grease of a car engine to be found.

And as much as Ronan had loved the dusty, grease-smudged southern boy, this life clearly suited him. The chip on his shoulder that he used to have at events like this was gone. His unrelenting hard work had dragged him away from Henrietta and from Ronan, which still stung, but seeing Adam content was more than worth it.

Ronan caught his eye when Adam was still about twenty feet away. He was vaguely aware that Blue was still talking to him but he’d lost track of the conversation. Adam smiled, one of his rare, genuine ones. He looked down at the floor as he crossed the last few feet but Ronan could see that the smile was still there. He shared a matching one which he tried unsuccessfully to school away when Adam looked back up.

“Lynch.”

“Parrish.”

“There you are, Adam,” Blue moaned. “You abandoned me with Helen! You know she scares the crap out of me!”

“Sorry,” Adam answered but his eyes were on Ronan until Blue nudged his shoulder. Adam refocused on Blue. “What? She scares me even more. I’m pretty sure the way she stares at me she has X-ray vision.”

Ronan scoffed. “In her dreams.”

Adam turned his smile back on Ronan. “You’re late. I was afraid you’d changed your mind about coming.”

“And miss all this?” He tilted his head toward a particularly stodgy looking group close by.

Adam smiled and looked at the floor. Ronan smiled and looked at the ceiling.

Blue took a deep breath and her eyes darted between him and Adam. “You two,” she huffed without explanation. “We need cake.”

The three of them flopped on a couch by the dessert table and were unapologetically sarcastic and bitter and every other kind of anti-social they could manage. Ronan was in heaven. He was a little surprised that Adam wasn’t making the rounds at the party with the other graduates, making connections. But he wasn’t going to argue. Adam looked as happy and relaxed as he’d ever seen him; his long legs kicked out in front of him, Blue leaning on him fondly, his eyes dancing whenever they met his. Adam guiltily asked at one point if they should find Gansey again but Blue insisted that he had Henry as his wingman and that the two of them could charm the socks off the pope.

Half an hour later, Blue leaned her head against Adam’s shoulder and squinted her eyes at Ronan. “I feel like a conversation is in order.” Her face looked deadly serious but the effect was dampened by her slurred words.

“And I feel like I need another drink,” Ronan responded. He pulled himself off the couch and went to look for Gansey. He found him by the ridiculously tall french doors that led to the back patio. 

When Gansey’s eyes locked on him he was the epitome of overjoyed. He excused himself from the group he was talking to and enveloped Ronan in a warm hug. Ronan could see the toll the party was taking on Gansey, despite his facade, and tilted his head toward the doors. They stepped out together onto the deserted patio. “I’m so glad you’re here.” Gansey enthused. It would sound hokey from anyone else but Ronan knew it was genuine. “Thanks for coming. I know this isn’t your scene but it wouldn’t be the same without you.” He paused and slumped down on one of the benches that lined the edge of the patio, facing Ronan and the house. “Frankly, I wouldn’t be the same without you.”

The candor caught Ronan off guard. “I think your girlfriend is drunk.”

Gansey smiled and glanced past Ronan to the party beyond. “Yes. I think that’s for the best. We’ve been staying with my family for three days now. She deserves to blow off some steam. I’m about ready to strangle someone with a red tie myself.”

“Congratulations by the way. Isn’t this some sort of coming of age moment or some shit?”

“I guess.” Gansey sighed theatrically. “It all feels a little anticlimactic. It seems like I’m further from where I’m meant to be than ever, if I’m being honest. Does that make sense? That doesn’t make sense.” His tone was uncharacteristically melancholy as he looked down into the drink perched on his lap.

The old Ronan would have been uncomfortable with that amount of sentimentality which would have resulted in a shitty remark. Instead he kicked his toe at the underside of Gansey’s shoe until he looked up at him. “You’ve got Blue and Henry and Adam. And you’ve got me. You know we’d move mountains for you.”

Gansey gave him a sad smile. “I do know that. Now. Thank you.”

“Carpe noctem.” Ronan smiled back.

They were interrupted by Helen stepping out onto the patio. If it were possible to be both harried and composed at the same time Helen had perfected it. “There you are, Dick. Mrs. Ryan is drunk again. Will you wrangle her out front while I call a car for her?”

“Of course. Excuse me Ronan. I’ll be back momentarily.”

But he wasn’t back anytime soon, which was fine with Ronan. He didn’t mind the solitude or being outside. He took in the scents and night noises of the overly manicured garden just beyond the edge of the patio. It was both comfortingly familiar and completely different than the Barns.

The door opened again and he turned to see Adam approaching with two flutes of champagne, a shy smile on his lips. “Gansey said I’d find you here.” He offered Ronan one of the glasses before taking a sip from the other.

“You’re drinking?” Ronan asked.

“On occasion. Very rarely. But tonight feels like a night to celebrate.”

“You’re right.” Ronan held his glass up to Adam. “To Adam Parrish, the stubbornest asshole to ever claw his way out of Henrietta, Virginia.” He smiled, though to show he meant no ill will.

“To Ronan Lynch, the shithead that made it bearable.”

They both took a sip and watched each other over the rims of their glasses. Adam’s wide smile was contagious and Ronan couldn’t keep his own face clear of it for the life of him. He sternly reminded himself that nothing had changed.

“So, where are you headed next?” Ronan asked. “Gansey says you’ve had a bunch of offers for summer internships. I bet every law firm on the east coast is gunning for you.”

“There’s been a few. Yeah.”

“Don’t be so fucking modest. Any one of them would be lucky to have you.”

“There’s only one I’m really considering.”

“Let me guess… six figure paycheck, corner office, an assistant that calls you Mr. Parrish?”

Adam rolled his eyes dramatically. “I think you’re mistaking real life for a John Grisham novel.”

“It’s possible.”

“I haven’t even gone to law school yet. It’s just an internship. A shitty paying one at that. But it does have its perks.”

Ronan narrowed his eyes at him. 

“It’s for the ACLU.” There was no denying the pride in Adam’s voice.

“Since when did Adam Parrish put saving the world over making money.”

“It’s a fairly recent development I admit. But I think it’s the right path for me. I intend to stay on with them even after law school.”

“The maggot has clearly been influencing you.”

Adam barked out a laugh. One of the rare, surprised sounding ones that made Ronan’s heart surge every time.

“Yeah. I guess so. But there was one other factor in my decision to take the job. I was pretty adamant about the location. It’s in Richmond.”

Ronan swallowed hard. Richmond was barely an hour from the Barns. He was distinctly uncomfortable with the look in Adam’s eye. He was smiling and something else. Was he flirting? Ronan did not understand what was going on. He raised an eyebrow and sunk his fists further into his pockets. “You’re coming back to Virginia? What the hell for?”

Adam shook his head and looked fondly exasperated. “You, you big idiot.” With that he stepped close and reached a hand towards Ronan’s cheek. His smile was sweet and his face was so utterly fucking soft Ronan’s heart nearly stopped in his chest. When his hand made contact Ronan flinched away. There was no way he was falling for this shit again. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

"The fuck, Parrish?” he growled.

Adam looked utterly surprised. “I thought…”

“You thought what? That just because we’re all celebrating the fact that you’ve gotten everything you wanted in life that you can round it out by getting drunk and playing grab-ass with your ex?”

“I touched your face, Ronan. And I’ve had one glass of champagne.”

“Whatever. I don’t need this shit from you.”

“Need what? My interest? My…”

“The fuck are you interested in?” He snarled. “You don’t even know me. I sure as hell hardly know you anymore.”

“For someone who prides themselves on never lying, you’re sure full of shit tonight.”

“The fuck are you talking about?”

“You know me, Ronan. You know me better than anyone in this world. You know about my dad and Cabeswater and Persephone. You know everything that is important about me. I’ve made friends since you. Hell, I’ve even dated some. But do you know how many of them understand me? See me? Know me? Not one. No one since you.”

Adam took a deep breath. In a calmer voice… “And I know you, Ronan. I know when you lash out and get ugly like this you’re hurting, or trying to prevent yourself from getting hurt. Look. I know I hurt you back when we…”

“Stop!” Ronan barked. “Just stop." He put both hands on the back of his head, wrapping his elbows close to his face. He couldn’t take this… this knowing. He didn’t ask for it, he didn’t need it. Where the fuck was this coming from? He came here tonight to congratulate Gansey, to try to be civil with Adam. Not this… whatever it was. It was like a hatch into a bottomless pit had unexpectedly opened up beneath him and he was scrambling to keep his footing.

He dropped his arms and changed his stance from defense to offense. “You may have known me at one time, Parrish,” he growled, aggressively stepping into his space. “But I’ve moved on. I’ve got my own life and I don’t need some pretentious suit-wearing, champagne drinking, prick waltzing in and acting like he knows everything.”

"Ronan. Don’t be like this. Just talk to me for a minute.” Adam was annoyingly calm.

“You had your chance to talk four years ago.” Ronan backed away and shook his head, looking at the ground. He felt tears prickling in his eyes and he hated himself for it. “Fuck you, Adam. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I’m done here.”


	5. Five

Adam drove out to the Barns a few days later. He’d wanted to do it sooner. He’d wanted to chase Ronan out of that party and force him to see his point of view. But, he knew confronting Ronan when he had his hackles up was counterproductive. He still wasn’t sure he’d get anywhere approaching him now but he had to try. He’d already wasted four years.

No one greeted him as he got out of his car and there was no sign of life in the house. He walked around back and saw two figures off in the field - Ronan and Matthew. They were too far away to call to but Matthew waved one arm over his head in greeting so Adam was assured he’d been spotted. He took a seat by the ashy remains of the fire pit and waited for them to be done with whatever task they were engaged in. 

A short time later he watched Ronan’s tall form pick his way down the hill. Adam stood up as he approached, his hands stuffed in his back pockets, attempting to appear as unassuming and apologetic as possible. Ronan slowed, looking at him warily, and then motioned with his head for Adam to follow him inside. Adam did so and waited silently as Ronan kicked off his boots in the mudroom and made his way into the sunny kitchen. He leaned his butt up against the back of one of the kitchen chairs as Ronan started to clean up at the sink. The silence was getting uncomfortable but he’d made the mistake of speaking too soon at the party so he was determined to wait until Ronan was ready.

“This is a surprise, Parrish,” Ronan said finally, his back still to him.

“Yeah. I know. I…I didn’t really feel like I had a chance to explain myself the other night.”

Ronan didn’t answer but Adam could see the tension in his shoulders as he dried his hands. When Ronan finally turned around his gaze was wary but intense, his silence as unnerving as ever. Adam realized that was all the greeting he was going to get so he decided to dive in.

“Listen, I know I surprised you at the party. Looking back I realize I’d made some assumptions that I shouldn’t have. I was an ass.” He waited for Ronan to confirm or deny but was met by Ronan’s practiced look of complete indifference. “Was it really as out of the blue as you made it seem?”

“Yeah. It was,” Ronan responded, deadly serious.

“I just. I thought after….” he scrubbed a hand across his eyes. “The way you looked at me, when I first saw you at the party….I thought we were closer to the same page,” he looked back up and met Ronan’s eye. “I’m sorry I misread the situation but that doesn’t change how I feel, Ronan. I’m not ready to give this up.”

Ronan sighed audibly. “Give what up, Adam? There’s nothing here anymore to fucking give up.”

“I think there is,” he argued and was given an annoyed head shake and a view of Ronan’s profile in response. “Just hear me out. I told you my internship is in Richmond. That’s just over an hour from here, less the way you drive. On top of that I negotiated for four tens. That means I’m working four days a week and can spend nearly half the week….” He sighed heavily. He felt foolish saying these things when he’d clearly miscalculated Ronan’s response. “I was thinking half the week here with you, if you’d have me.” 

Ronan remained unresponsive.

“And I’m starting law school in the fall at UVA. That’s even closer. Look. I’m obviously not going to force my way into your life if you don’t want me but… but I thought you should know that there is a way we could make this work. I hoped you’d want to know that I thought about this, that I planned for it, that I,” and he faltered for a moment. “That I want it. I want you, Ronan. I want a life with you.”

Adam stepped closer approaching carefully as if Ronan was a wild animal that might spook. Ronan was leaning up against the cabinets, his hands gripping the edge of the counter at his hips, his eyes cast to floor. Adam took another step, close enough now that he could see that Ronan was trembling all over, his breaths unsteady.

“Ronan,” he murmured. “Please, just look at me.”

Ronan took a loud shaky breath and shook his head. “I can’t, Adam. Please.” His voice was so anguished it nearly broke Adam’s heart. “I won’t let myself fall into this again. I barely survived it last time and I can’t, I just can’t do that again.”

“But I’m promising you Ronan. I won’t hurt you this time.”

Ronan scoffed. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Parrish.” He visibly regained some of his composure. “You were right about one thing the other night. I do know you. I know you’re a fucking stubborn workaholic. You may have a plan that keeps you close for the next few years but what then? What if your dream job ends up being in New York or Boston or Tokyo for fuck’s sake? You don’t know what the future holds and I know where your priorities lie.”

“My priorities have changed, Ronan. I have every intention of staying. Just give me a chance to show you.” Ronan still wouldn’t meet his eye. “Come on, Ronan. I’m trying here.”

“Yeah well, I’m pretty sure no one asked you to.” He spat, his voice full of venom. Adam could tell he’d crossed the line to angry. It was never far off for Ronan. “You know what I was thinking when I saw you at the party?” His voice was shaky and accusatory. “I was happy for you. I was proud of you. I watched you practically kill yourself for years to get out of here and that was torture. And then, there you were. A goddam poster child for success. And I thought… I thought ‘I helped him get there.That smile, that confidence, that satisfaction. I had a part in that’. It was all worth it to see you in that moment. I sure as fucking hell wasn’t expecting you to say you’re sacrificing it all to come back here.”

“It’s not a sacrifice, Ronan. It’s what I want. This internship, the graduate program, they’re the right fit for me.” He could tell he wasn’t convincing him. It was time to try a new tactic. He waited a few beats for the tension to dissipate. “How about this. How about we take it slow? Go on a few dates, get to know each other again…”

Ronan sneered and shook his head. “We both know that if I say yes you’ll have me out of my shirt in two minutes tops.” Adam was relieved to hear the anger gone from his voice, even if the derision remained.

“And you’ll have me out my pants two minutes after that,” he joked back, hopefully.

Ronan gave a wan smile and rubbed a hand on the back of this neck. “Is that what you want? To take it slow? Start from scratch?”

Adam grinned and ducked his head slightly. “Honestly? Not at all. I would kiss you senseless right now if you’d let me.”

Ronan’s ears turned pink and his smirk fell away. The furrow in his brow returned with a vengeance as he stared at the floor again. Adam took a deep breath and tried to curb his frustration. “Tell me again that there is truly nothing here anymore and I’ll leave. I won’t bother you again.” Adam’s heart pounded in his chest. It was a gamble to ask Ronan that outright. He wouldn’t lie. 

Finally Ronan met his eyes again. “Tell me why you ended it. Before. I want the truth.”

Adam sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Jesus. Okay. That’s fair I guess.” He shuffled over to lean back against the counter next to Ronan. They slouched shoulder to shoulder, staring at the worn wood floor while Adam collected his thoughts.

"That day. That godawful day when the demon took over my hands and eyes. I nearly killed you. It nearly killed you. And that is fucked up enough on its own. That’ll mess a kid up for a good long while. But I knew that wasn’t me. I could recover from that. The thing that screwed me up was that you didn’t fight back. Ronan, you were letting me kill you - you did nothing to stop me.”

Ronan opened his mouth as if to argue but then he seemed to think better of it and let Adam continue.

“I know you think telling me you loved me was what drove me away. But that wasn’t it. It was how easily you said it. It seemed so effortless and natural and I don’t know…joyful coming from you. And I loved you back, Ronan. So much. But for me it was scary and chaotic and tortuous. I felt completely out of control. You handed me your heart so willingly while my instinct was to fight tooth and nail to keep a grasp on my own. 

“I was sure something was wrong with me deep down. That the way I was raised was going to prevent me from being able to love you back in a healthy way. And more than that, I was sure I’d ruin you in the process. I was convinced that the way it played out that terrible day on the side of that road was an analogy of our relationship. That the dark ugly parts inside of me would start to ruin you and you’d just let it happen. Believe it or not, I thought I was protecting you.” 

It was silent in that kitchen for a long while. Adam’s hands were shaking and he gripped the edge of the counter harder to hide it.

“That’s fucked up, Parrish.” Ronan finally responded but not unkindly.

"I’m aware. I have been in therapy pretty consistently for the past two years. I’m trying to get better.”

“I wish you’d just told me that shit. I’m not saying I could have made it better, but it would have made it easier to know what was going on in that big brain of yours.”

“I know. But you remember how I was back then. My modus operandi was to never ask for help. I was pretty hellbent on doing everything on my own.”

"I always hated your M.O,” Ronan admitted softly, and Adam couldn’t help but feel like they’d turned a corner.

“Yeah, well. I came up with it when I was a traumatized kid. It turns out it may have a few flaws.”

“Shocking.” Ronan mumbled, bumping his shoulder into Adam’s. It was the first physical contact he’d initiated in four years. Adam took it as a hopeful sign.

Adam turned to face Ronan, one hip still resting against the counter. He tentatively slid his hand towards Ronan’s and gently brushed his thumb across the knuckles. When Ronan didn’t pull away he inched closer.

“I’m done running away, Ronan. I’m done being an army of one. I’m ready to make a new plan. I want to figure out what happiness looks like for me. I want to figure out what family looks like for me. I’m hoping you’ll give me another chance and we can do all that together.”

He leaned in and let his forehead fall against Ronan’s shoulder, their hands still tangled together. To his profound relief, Ronan turned towards him and grasped their other hands together. His head was tilted close enough to the side of Adam’s neck that he could feel his unsteady breaths. “Ok,” Ronan whispered.

“Yeah?” Adam croaked. He didn’t trust his voice enough to say anything more. He was fighting too hard to retain his composure. 

Ronan nodded his head and then leaned it on Adam’s. “You’re shaking,” Ronan murmured. 

Adam just let his head loll on Ronan’s shoulder, delirious in relief. “This honesty shit is hard.”

Ronan let out a soft laugh. “I know. You’re pretty good at the whole persuasive argument bit, though. You should think about becoming a lawyer.”

Adam attempted to laugh but it came out more as a wet, shaky gasp. He pulled away a bit so that he could look Ronan in the eye. “So what’s the verdict? Are we taking it slow, starting from scratch?”

Ronan grinned shyly. “Jesus, fuck no. Have you met us?” 

“Are you sure?” Adam teased. “I was kind of looking forward to being wooed for months with mix tapes and hand lotion and intense glaring.”

Ronan didn’t answer. Instead, he pivoted them both so that Adam’s back was against the counter and Ronan’s whole body was pressed into him, pinning him there. “I’m sure,” Ronan hummed, all trace of sarcasm gone. He cupped both his hands around Adam’s jaw gently and looked into his eyes for the longest time. Adam felt known. “I’ve missed you, Adam Parrish.” 

“I’ve…” Adam attempted to answer but his voice failed him and embarrassingly two tears slid unprompted down his cheeks. Ronan wiped them away with his thumbs. And when they kissed, Adam was finally home.

They did end up taking it relatively slow. It was more tender kisses through the tears in the kitchen. It was sharing the happy news with Matthew when he walked in on them a short time later. It was a long, meandering walk through the fields, hand in hand, cheeks sore from the smiles that wouldn’t leave their faces. It was finally finding Opal in the orchard and the hug-filled and tear-stained reunion that Adam had been longing for. It was making out leisurely on the porch steps late into the night, knowing they had all the time in the world.

****

And then. 

And then, it was a summer of long days spent fighting the good fight in Richmond and long weekends being indulgently lazy at the Barns. It was sleepy afternoons reading modern fairy tales in the dream hammock (that rocked gently of it’s own accord and never tipped even when constantly filled with rambunctious, hoofed girls and giant, slobbery dogs). It was the blissful role reversal of Adam being the distraction from work and Ronan insisting through lazy, predawn kisses that he really did need to get up and feed the fucking chickens. It was hours upon hours of rediscovering every spot on Ronan’s neck that made him sigh, and every spot on Ronan’s torso that made him moan and every euphoric way to make him beg and beg for more. It was knowing that whenever and wherever Adam was with Ronan, he was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you! Thank you readers and kudos-leavers and especially, especially commenters. Throwing hard work into the void is gut wrenching until the void throws encouragement back. And then. And then it all feels worthwhile.


End file.
